HOW IS LIFE AFTER MARRIAGE? (THE REAL TRUTH)

HOW IS LIFE AFTER MARRIAGE? (THE REAL TRUTH)

Waddup Legends! This is your best friend KHAN with today’s FOT!

I recently got happily married. My single friends ask me all the time “Hey KHAN! How is married life going? What do you say, should I also get married? When is it best to get married”

To understand what I answer to such questions I need to set up some background here (Music Please…)

A lot of people have some presuppositions about marriage. This mostly comes from what society tells you but more importantly it’s the media that sets our beliefs about love and Marriage. All the movies like “The Vow” “The Notebook” “A walk to remember” etc have misguided us as to how a marriage should be.

I also hear this alot “My priority is my career. I really don’t have time now. May be in future I may settle” Well guess what? These people will never settle. These people may be good professionals but in terms of family, they may not do so good! If you find yourself with this mindset, please don’t get married and spoil someone else’s life. You may focus on your career.

If you are dating or engaged or in some kind of affair and thinking that after marriage it will be all the same like “when we first met” (Good Movie! Starring Alexandria Daddario… Ok… I am distracted now as usual), I hate to break this out to you that you are wrong. Life is nothing like bunch of roses. It is different. Just like in your life, relations have their ups and downs. So if you will just quit on them, you better work on yourself!

So before getting married it is important to know why you are getting married. If the relationship was based on material things like looks, sex, style, wealth, position etc that I can guarantee you cannot last long. These things fade out and lose its charm once attained. However, if it is based on love, acceptance of each other’s flaws and appreciation of one another (which is the basis of formation of a spiritual connection), it is that relationship that lasts. 

I think one of the reasons, our previous generation was able to maintain marriages for a long term is that in their time when things were broken, they would fix it, not replace it. When I see society evolving, whith all the access to everything, I see how this belief is now in-built that there is plenty out there. This leads to the belief that everything is replaceable. But my friends, this is not really true in case of relationships. We all crave for long lasting relationships. You can’t replace your family. So once you marry someone, they are your family and it is not really a good idea to try replacing them. That is why you need to be careful in the first place. How to choose the right person is a topic for another time.

Remember that things change after marriage. There is change in both the sides; the girl’s and the guy’s. Some of these are sudden and some of these are gradual. So it is highly important that you let things take its natural course. Don’t push things or it gets worse. If you want to change something because it makes you uncomfortable, you have to handle it tactfully. In a relationship people are more sensitive than usual. The words of the loved ones hurt the most, whether expressed or not.

When you get married, you become one with your spouse. You share everything… EVERYTHING. I always emphasize that between spouses, there should be no boundaries and no privacy. Remember, that no one is perfect. There should be no hiding of flaws. Only acceptance of them and understanding of one another and not judgmental approach towards one another. The intention has to be to know and understand each other better. Share good moments. Laugh together as much as possible. “Live” life with each another. In my view, it is good to have at least one outing in a week, alone with your spouse. Also travel together around the world if possible. This helps you bond more.

If you are afraid of the arguments, let me tell you that arguments can be the reason for you to get closer. When you survive out of an argument, the bond becomes stronger. It is like an exothermic bond. When the bad feelings are thrown out, it’s love that remains and holds you stronger than before. You understand one another better. How to handle arguments is a topic that I will cover in future.

You see, when you live together, share bed, share meals etc, you get to see the other person in their most private form. That is something you may not like (probably because in the start you don’t understand them yet). You may have fallen in love because of their outer face or their social face. After marriage you see their private face and this is something that has to be understood. If you understand and accept them, you will come to a loving compromise and understanding that will allow you to “live happily ever after” (like in the movies)

The first few months are wonderful as everything is new and dreamy but with time the flaws will come up. You have to cope up with them. Everything comes in a package. If they were perfect, they would be with someone better than you because you are not perfect either my friends. None of us are!

When I got engaged, everyone was like “Dude, Think again”, “You’ll be bound forever” “Slave of a woman” “Losing your freedom so soon” and things like that. They may be joking but I see that this is the mindset that is prevailing in our society. It is subliminally now a part of our Belief System. I have always enjoyed my life to fullest by doing courses, playing piano in a band, sailing in open sea etc. People would say “this is the time you enjoy. After marriage you can’t do much then”. This is a very firm mindset in our society and I disagree with this. These may sound to you like relationship jokes but this is pretty much our mindset.

What I say is that life before marriage is a different kind of enjoyment. But the life after it is totally different. It breaks the monotony of the single life and gives you a new perspective to life. It is up to the individual as to how they manage it. You can enjoy all the things with your spouse. You can travel alone but believe me, with the right person, it is a totally different memory. That happiness has no other equivalent. This is the real fulfillment.

I hope you all understand now why I always answer that life after marriage is “better and better”. This is your best friend KHAN signing off. Take good care fellas.

Peace be on you all!

4 IMPORTANT REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD TRY TO HAVE YOUR FIRST BABY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE AFTER MARRIAGE

4 IMPORTANT REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD TRY TO HAVE YOUR FIRST BABY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE AFTER MARRIAGE

Waddup my dear Legends and all those people who are married and planning to have a baby! And if you are not married but still planning… Don’t do it… Get married first. C’mon it’s the kids we are talking about. Do the right thing. Do it legally. No kidding in case of kids! Be serious ok!

 

Well, I really want to share big news with you all….

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Actually I was having a conversation with my better half… peanut butter sandwich (which happens to be my favorite snack as well) about what is the right choice regarding timing of trying to have a baby. It was a very long conversation but we did manage to realize some amazing things which I want to share with you all today.

 

Well, I think this choice has to vary person to person because everyone has a different situation and different priorities in their life so what I am going to say may not really apply to everyone. However, it can help you while you are planning for your future in this aspect. So what I am going to talk about in this segment will be focused more on the PRO’s of having your first baby as early as possible.

 

Generally, guys should get married if they are sound financially. If you are struggling through career or business, focus on that first and build yourself up to a level where you can sustain financially and support a family because it is the man who is responsible for supporting the family even if the woman is also working. I strongly believe that men should not shy away from that responsibility. If your woman is working, be thankful for that and honor her. She is doing a huge favour to you because her responsibility is not to earn for the family. However in these tough times, both husband and wife have to work to run the family. So when considering marriage, you have to consider financial situation. That is all off topic for now so we focus on the topic of having baby now 😀

 

Ideally, I believe it is best that first year of marriage should be for the couples to really know each other. It does not matter if you have been dating before but the thing is that when you really live with each other, as same unit, you see the person whole lot differently. For that matter I believe first year should be for understanding, bonding, travelling etc.

 

Seeing the conditions these days with respect to the pollution in environment as well as the decreasing quality of our diets (fast food, broiler chicken and carbonated drinks at the top of the list), our reproductive systems are not doing so good.

 

There used to be a time when women would be fine even after giving birth to 12 kids and now, women tend to give up at 2nd kid mostly due to physical limitations. Men used to be able to produce kids at ages of 80 but nowadays I have seen men of ages about 28 firing blank shots. The cellular phones technology, microwaves, radio waves etc all have contributed to the degeneration of the human reproductive system.

 

Now those who have been in the navy or Airforce or in a high tech environment, working close to the radar system and other complicated electro-magnetic systems, need to be really careful of this as we are more prone to become blank cartridges. Some very close people also advised not to do any family planning for first child as it tells weather any problem exists or not. A lot many people who used protection in the start later ended up not being able to have kids.

 

My maternal aunt was not able to conceive in first 4 years of marriage. The social pressure started to build up. People started talking. They started comparing her to the cousins who married at same time and had babies at that time around. Luckily, her husband started consulting some good doctors right after they realized the problem. People did say stuff like “what is the use of seeing a doctor now? Why not wait a few years?” He would say that “after few years, the same effort has to be done. Why not do it now?” And he was right! They did have a son after 4 years of their marriage and then a daughter, then a son and a daughter and then another son.

 

So what I want to say is that it is best to not resist anything for the first child. The benefits of having a child early are as follows:

 

1)         You have energy

If you do it early, you have a lot of energy to do things. In our youth, a lot of issues don’t affect us and we can cut through the tough times like sleepless nights and the diaper problems. In a young age, you are more playful and can have a lot of fun with the kids without getting tired!

 

2)         You can enjoy every moment

In a young age you are full of life. This is the age you can climb mountains, swim in oceans and run a marathon if you work on it. Every moment of your younger time is the one you cherish in your old age. If there is a loving wife and a baby in that moment, this is something you will always be thankful for.

 

3)         Your family is likely to be more available

Now in my case, Alhamdullillah my mom and dad are alive and well. My 3 younger sisters live with me. My wife’s family is all available. Her paternal and maternal grandmothers are also close. So, if you have a similar scenario like mine, let me tell you that you truly are blessed and so will your child be. Imagine the love and care from the parents, grandparents and great grandparents of the child. This is something that cannot be exchanged for any amount of money in the world. Moreover, you will always have their guidance as to how to handle the baby so in this way you will not have to rely on trial and error!

 

4)         You will have a grown up person by the time you are 50

I have seen so many old people around me having very little kids around them and they begin to get more and more stressed regarding who will take care of the kids in case they pass away unexpectedly. If you have a kid, say at age of 25, By the time you are 50, you will have a grown up person, who would likely be independent. That is a huge burden off of you and then you have the opportunity to try new things in life as a couple like another couple’s world tour or something.

 

Having said all that, I would like to announce that on 3rd of August 2019 at half past 3pm, my son Khan Jr. was born. It is truly an amazing feeling and I cannot describe in words. Being a father was something very important to me and I have been blessed to have a son at an age of 26. I will always be thankful to Allah that my son will have his father, mother, his paternal and maternal uncles, aunts, grandparents and great grandparents with him. Mom and Dad have a lot of energy in them at the age of 56 and it is so cool to see them play with him all day.

 

Please remember us in your prayers. This is Khan signing off for today.

 

Peace be upon you all!

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF AN EARLY MARRIAGE FROM A GUY’S PERSPECTIVE?

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF AN EARLY MARRIAGE FROM A GUY’S PERSPECTIVE?

Waddup Legends!

This is your best friend KHAN and today we will talk about benefits of an early marriage.

I think marriage is a personal choice and by that I mean that it’s situational and it varies person to person. So what I am about to tell you, may or may not apply to you. I totally understand people who want to focus on careers first and then marriage. So many people have to generate resources for conduct of marriage because honestly, it’s quite an expensive commitment.

So here are my four points regarding benefits of an early marriage!s

1)         You have energy

If you do it early, you have a lot of energy to do things. In our youth, a lot of issues don’t affect us and we can cut through the tough times like sleepless nights and the diaper problems. In a young age, you are more playful and can have a lot of fun with the kids without getting tired!

2)         You can enjoy every moment

In a young age you are full of life. This is the age you can climb mountains, swim in oceans and run a marathon if you work on it. Every moment of your younger time is the one you cherish in your old age. If there is a loving wife and a baby in that moment, this is something you will always be thankful for.

3)         Your family is likely to be more available

Now in my case, Alhamdullillah my mom and dad are alive and well. My 3 younger sisters live with me. My wife’s family is all available. Her paternal and maternal grandmothers are also close. So, if you have a similar scenario like mine, let me tell you that you truly are blessed and so will your child be. Imagine the love and care from the parents, grandparents and great grandparents of the child. This is something that cannot be exchanged for any amount of money in the world. Moreover, you will always have their guidance as to how to handle the baby so in this way you will not have to rely on trial and error!

4) You can avoid any problem w.r.t your reproductive system

Seeing the conditions these days with respect to the pollution in environment as well as the decreasing quality of our diets (fast food, broiler chicken and carbonated drinks at the top of the list), our reproductive systems are not doing so good.

There used to be a time when women would be fine even after giving birth to 12 kids and now, women tend to give up at 2nd kid mostly due to physical limitations. Men used to be able to produce kids at ages of 80 but nowadays I have seen men of ages about 28 firing blank shots. The cellular phones technology, microwaves, radio waves etc all have contributed to the degeneration of the human reproductive system.

Now those who have been in the navy or Airforce or in a high tech environment, working close to the radar system and other complicated electro-magnetic systems, need to be really careful of this as we are more prone to become blank cartridges. Some very close people also advised not to do any family planning for first child as it tells weather any problem exists or not. A lot many people who used protection in the start later ended up not being able to have kids.

My maternal aunt was not able to conceive in first 4 years of marriage. The social pressure started to build up. People started talking. They started comparing her to the cousins who married at same time and had babies at that time around. Luckily, her husband started consulting some good doctors right after they realized the problem. People did say stuff like “what is the use of seeing a doctor now? Why not wait a few years?” He would say that “after few years, the same effort has to be done. Why not do it now?” And he was right! They did have a son after 4 years of their marriage and then a daughter, then a son and a daughter and then another son. So it is best to not resist anything for the first child.

The First year of marriage is for travel and getting to know each other better. No matter how long you have been dating, trust me it is all multiplied by zero in a marriage. You are literally sharing everything and a lot of things might come to surface which would not come in normal life. So initially there is a lot of hardwork to be done by both sides to come to common terms and live in peaceful co-existential relationship.

Once your lives are streamlined, then onwards I advise attempting to have kids. Its best to check if there is problem in the guy or the girl. Earlier the problem is diagnosed, the better. Treatment can be done in time and things can go smooth thereon.

In my society there is a lot of pressure on the woman if there are on kids. I feel this is so wrong but I think society or not, women do take the pressure of not being able to produce kid by nature. I think women tend to feel insecurity in regards to this more than the men. This may differ person to person but I think it this way. I have seen that if the wife’s friend has given birth to a child, the wife may feel it more than ever. I have seen this a lot around me. I think its natural to feel this way. So why not get things clear and sorted out at the earliest.

So I hope you all get my point.

This is KHAN signing off. Peace be on you all!

CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN

CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN

It is indeed one of the saddest things to hear that on 16 Jan 2020, one of the legends of our generation has passed away. He is the man who worked with his father to set up the Tokiens Middle Earth Legendarium and give it to us as we know it today.

I am sure I speak this for more than 150 Million people in the world when I say this that Tolkien’s stories has shaped our childhood. I still remember the first time I watched the whole trilogy of Lord of the Rings with my little sister back in 2004. Then I made my whole family watch which then extended to my cousins and so on. When my other two sisters came of age, I watched with them also and they loved the series. It is like every time I watch the movies, I feel that I am watching it for the first time. I mean the emotion is still the same and it never fades.

I must admit that the movies were the reason I started reading the books. I started with Lord of the rings trilogy. My cousins would then take the book from me and read them. Then we would meet up every weekend to discuss the tales. Those were really good old days. Although Harry Potter book series were more popular those days, I still gravitated more towards Lord of the Rings. I am not comparing the two franchises. It is just that the LOTR series is more aligned to my personality even though I find Potter Series fun as well.

 The reason I brought up Harry Potter series here is because at that time J.K Rowling was alive (and is still alive as of now, may Allah give her long life). I had read all about her at that time. So when I was done with LOTR series (which I did 4 years after reading Potter series), I felt like knowing more about the author. So impressed I was with LOTR series that I started reading the Hobbit after which I started reading Silmarillion.

To my amazement at that time, I found that J.R.R Tolkien died way back in 2 September 1973. However I was relieved to know that his son C.R.R Tolkien had taken up the flag and was continuing his father’s work. His father J. R. R. Tolkien wrote a great deal of material connected to the Middle-earth legendarium that was not published in his lifetime. He had originally intended to publish The Silmarillion along with The Lord of the Rings, and parts of it were in a finished state when he died in 1973, but the project was incomplete. Tolkien once referred to his son as his “chief critic and collaborator”, and named him his literary executor in his will. Tolkien organized the masses of his father’s unpublished writings, some of them written on odd scraps of paper a half-century earlier. Much of the material was handwritten; frequently a fair draft was written over a half-erased first draft, and names of characters routinely changed between the beginning and end of the same draft. In the years following, Tolkien worked on the manuscripts and was able to produce an edition of The Silmarillion for publication in 1977.

The Silmarillion was followed by Unfinished Tales in 1980, and The History of Middle-earth in 12 volumes between 1983 and 1996. Most of the original source-texts have been made public from which the Silmarillion was constructed. In April 2007, Tolkien published The Children of Húrin, whose story his father had brought to a relatively complete stage between 1951 and 1957 before abandoning it. This was one of J. R. R. Tolkien’s earliest stories, its first version dating back to 1918; several versions are published in The Silmarillion, Unfinished Tales, and The History of Middle-earth. The Children of Húrin is a synthesis of these and other sources. Beren and Lúthien is an editorial work and was published as a stand-alone book in 2017.

The next year, The Fall of Gondolin was published, also as an editorial work. The Children of Húrin, Beren and Lúthien, and The Fall of Gondolin make up the three “Great Tales” of the Elder Days which J.R.R. Tolkien considered to be the biggest stories of the First Age. Harper Collins published other J. R. R. Tolkien work edited by Tolkien which is not connected to the Middle-earth legendarium. The Legend of Sigurd and Gudrún appeared in May 2009, a verse retelling of the Norse Völsung cycle, followed by The Fall of Arthur in May 2013, and by Beowulf: A Translation and Commentary in May 2014.

Tolkien served as chairman of the Tolkien Estate, Ltd., the entity formed to handle the business side of his father’s literary legacy, and as a trustee of the Tolkien Charitable Trust. He resigned as director of the estate in 2017.

Well, I am still contended to know that there are a lot of books still remaining to read. I haven’t completed the history of middle earth series yet so I guess now I have to take things a bit slowly. I want to savour everything till my old age.

The story of the lives of both Tolkien Sr. and Jr. are amazing. Both, father and son, have served in the military and have studied from one of the most prestigious institutions in the world i.e. Oxford. They both had an amazing personality, thorough research, observation, vast experience and an eye for detail. The Tolkien Legendarium has inspired so many writers including G.R.R Martin, the writer of Game of Thrones series, is himself a Tolkien fan. The Tolkiens have shaped the modern day fantasy story writing. They have introduced the concept of world building stories in today’s world and have gone so far so as to create new languages to fill in the stories with. Not only they wanted to make stories, they wanted to make England’s Mythology which shows that they had a vision beyond any other writer.

Tolkien’s archetypal stories are inspirational and have a great impact on our personalities. I still associate myself with the characters of the book in different situations of my life whether consciously or subconsciously. They teach about valour, courage, commitment, loyalty, honesty, honour and determination. They teach us to be firm in tough times because “oft hope is born when all is forlorn”. They teach us that no matter where you are from or who you are, you can always make a difference. If you falter somewhere, you can always make things right because “not all that glisters is gold and not all those who are waylaid are lost”.

It really feels bad to see sometimes people considering these stories as Patriarchal or gender discriminant. I feel that these people never really understood Tolkien if they think that Tolkien was gender discriminant of sorts. The stories depict a lot of our human history and Tolkien has actually shown how sometimes those who do not apparently have super powers or have strong family background can make a difference. The time he lived in, if we see things in that point of view, I think he has shown that even women can do what men can and sometimes even more. I think these people need to read more on Beren & Luthien, Galadriel, and defeat of Nazgul by Eowyn and so on.

My prayers are with Christopher Tolkien and may he be happy in afterlife. Just like other great legends of our generation like Michael Jackson, Chester Bennington and others, this one has also passed away. That is life. Death is inevitable and we all have to face it. As the Legendarium says, it is the gift of “Iluvitar”.   

This is KHAN signing off. Peace be on you all! Take care.